The Pain of Rejection

We've all felt it. The crushing sensation of rejection. That dark pit in the stomach, a heavy weight on the chest, the achy tightness in the throat. It's one of the most profoundly painful emotions a human can experience, and it can have lasting impacts. So how can we learn to navigate rejection, and maybe even grow because of it? Let's explore together!

Humans are hard-wired for connection. As our species was evolving, we needed the other humans around us in order to survive. We would die alone without them, especially as babies. So we evolved to depend on acceptance, belonging, and social connection in groups. We are thus neurobiologically wired to avoid the very real danger of rejection. To help us avoid this danger, our nervous system generates deep emotional (and even sometimes physical) pain during experiences of social rejection. Our nervous system is trying to protect us when we feel the pain of rejection. The pain is telling us, "Go seek connection. Find your people again. You're in danger without others." Hence the profound pain of rejection, which serves as a signal that something is wrong and needs addressing. It's our nervous system's way of protecting us from harm, but it's sometimes not so well suited to the modern era. 

We're no longer traveling around hunting and gathering in tribes. Modern convenience and technology means that an adult human doesn't strictly need other humans for physical survival (emotional survival may be another thing altogether, and a topic for another post). These days, I could stay isolated in my house forever provided I have adequate means to have all of my physical needs taken care of: food, shelter, hygiene, etc. This kind of isolation is generally understood to be very unhealthy, but perhaps not immediately deadly. But my brain is still the same brain as that of my early ancestors. It's still operating in the same way brains did so long ago, when Homo Sapiens traveled in groups across Africa.

Our brains are still wired to feel the deep pain of social rejection, even if it no longer means certain death. So when we experience friends not returning texts, romantic prospects rejecting us, getting fired from a job, not being included in an event, or any other of the myriad possible ways a human can get rejected, we still feel that pain, those destabilizing physical sensations, and the deep emotional wounds. Sometimes that pain is paralyzing, and it can last a long time. It sucks us right out of our experience of the present moment, and traps us in a trance of self-defeating beliefs.

I've worked with a lot of clients navigating the pain of rejection, often rooted in childhood rejection by peers and caregivers, and I've also experienced my own fair share of it. That childhood rejection shows up in a lot of maladaptive behaviors in adulthood, and therapy can really help to unlearn those patterns and develop healthier ways of existing. One of my favorite skills to teach clients who are navigating the pain of rejection, whether it's from the past or happening now, is using Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion Break. 

The practice begins with mindfully paying attention to your own suffering, noticing how the pain of rejection shows up in the body and even labeling it as such. We make space and notice the sensation of rejection instead of letting it operate subconsciously, on auto-pilot. Next, we zoom out and acknowledge that we are one of 8 billion humans, and that the suffering of rejection is universal, that we are not alone in our pain. That in this very moment there are countless other humans experiencing the pain of rejection. It's part of the human experience. So we internally acknowledge our fellow humans who are suffering in the same way. Finally, we offer ourselves kindness and compassion because we are experiencing this suffering. Not necessarily as a way to make it go away, but to soothe and nurture it. To make the pain of rejection feel understood and known. So we introduce kind words directed to ourselves to bring compassion in the face of rejection. 

I've found this practice life-changing, and so have many of my clients. You can find details about it, and many other useful practices, on Kristin Neff's website.

If you're struggling with the deep pain of rejection I hope you give this practice a try, and just notice what happens. Remove the goal of getting rid of your pain. Remember, the pain of rejection is part of the human experience. Instead, simply allow yourself to be with your pain, and see what happens. No judgment, no expectation.

On the other side of despair is something wonderful. Please be kind to yourself.